How Sex Toys Impact Relationships

I’m Dr. Rachel Sommer, a certified clinical sexologist with over 12 years of experience helping couples rediscover intimacy through open communication, sexual wellness, and pleasure-positive tools.

Let’s be honest—talking about sex toys can still feel a bit awkward for some couples. Even today, when shelves (and websites) are packed with vibrating, pulsing, suctioning marvels promising everything from toe-curling pleasure to pelvic floor rehab, some people still hesitate to bring them into their relationship.

But here’s the real kicker: the couples who do often report stronger communication, deeper trust, and—yep—better sex.

I’ve spent over a decade working with couples, and I’ve seen firsthand how sex toys can shift the dynamic in surprisingly intimate ways.

And I’m not just talking about the sex part.

Breaking the Ice—Together

Sometimes a toy is just a toy. Other times, it’s a bridge.

A couple I worked with last year—we’ll call them Amy and Josh—had hit a bit of a rut after eight years together. “We love each other, but the sex became… predictable,” Amy admitted during our first session.

They decided to try something different. Josh picked up a small bullet vibe, nervous but hopeful. They used it that night, laughing through the fumbling and figuring-it-out phase. Amy told me later, “It wasn’t just about the orgasm—it gave us something new to explore together. Like dating again, but naked.”

That’s what I see over and over again. Toys crack open doors that might’ve felt sealed shut. They give couples permission to play again.

It’s About Communication—More Than Vibration

Introducing a sex toy into your relationship forces a conversation—what do you like? What feels good? What are we curious about? Those questions are gold in long-term partnerships.

But here’s the fun part: the toy is often the excuse, not the goal.

Reader Tyler shared his story in an email that still sticks with me. He and his wife bought a prostate massager on a whim. “It took us three tries to figure it out,” he wrote. “The first time I was too nervous. The second time we got the angle wrong. The third time… we couldn’t stop laughing. It ended up being the most connected I’ve felt to her in years.”

Notice that? The magic wasn’t in the device—it was in the learning, the teamwork, the giggling. The shared vulnerability brought them closer than a dozen dinner dates ever could.

Dealing with Jealousy and Insecurity

Let’s not sugarcoat this: some partners feel threatened by sex toys. And I get it.

If your partner starts raving about a new rabbit vibe or rumbly wand, it’s easy to wonder—where do I fit into this?

But the truth is, toys don’t replace people. They’re tools, not competitors. They don’t kiss your neck, whisper naughty things in your ear, or hold your hand afterward. They just can’t.

I often tell my clients this: If a vibrator makes your partner orgasm, that’s your win too. You helped create the space, the trust, and the atmosphere for that pleasure to happen. That’s not a threat—that’s intimacy.

One reader, James, told me he used to roll his eyes whenever his wife brought up vibrators. “I thought it meant I was failing,” he said. But after an open conversation—and a bottle of wine—they tried one together. He now calls it “the best third wheel we’ve ever invited to bed.”

When Sex Toys Save the Day

In relationships where mismatched libidos or physical limitations become barriers, sex toys can be a game-changer.

I remember a woman in her mid-50s, Karen, who came to me frustrated that her husband’s erectile dysfunction was creating distance. “He’s embarrassed. He pulls away,” she said.

They eventually found a penis sleeve that helped him maintain an erection and added a clitoral stimulator for her. She later said, “It gave us our sex life back. And more importantly, it gave us permission to touch again.”

That line hit me. Permission to touch again. Sometimes, it’s not about climax—it’s about connection.

Surprise: Sex Toys Often Lead to More Real Sex

One of the biggest myths is that if you bring in toys, your “normal” sex life fades away. I’ve found the opposite is true.

Pleasure toys often spark desire, not kill it. They become part of a broader menu—not the only dish being served.

Reader Monique wrote to me recently: “I started using toys solo when my partner was working night shifts. I was nervous to tell him, but when I did, he got curious instead of mad. Now we have a whole drawer of stuff, and our sex life has never been better.”

The infamous top drawer—that sacred stash every modern couple quietly swears by.

The Intimacy of Solo Play—Shared

Let’s shift gears for a moment. Some couples are scared to let their partner know they masturbate, let alone use adult toys when they’re alone. But mutual acceptance of solo pleasure can actually strengthen a relationship.

It shows trust. Autonomy. A recognition that sexuality isn’t something you own about each other—it’s something you share.

And sometimes, watching your partner touch themselves with a toy is the hottest thing imaginable.

One anonymous reader wrote me something I loved: “The first time I used my wand in front of him, I thought I’d feel embarrassed. But he looked at me like I was a goddess. Now it’s something we do together—sometimes he watches, sometimes he joins. Either way, it’s electric.”

That’s not just hot. That’s intimate in a way few things are.

Don’t Let Technology Replace Touch—Let It Amplify It

Let’s talk about tech for a second. Bluetooth-controlled toys. App-connected vibes. Long-distance gadgets that sync across the globe. It’s a wild time.

But here’s the thing—I always remind couples: the tech is exciting, but it shouldn’t take over. The best experiences still come from touch, eye contact, laughter, and old-fashioned human warmth.

The vibrator is the seasoning, not the meal.

That said, for long-distance couples? Total game changer. I had one client who used the Lovense Lush 4 to sync with her partner during video calls across continents. “It saved our relationship,” she said. “It turned phone sex into something so much deeper.”

I believe her. Technology done right makes intimacy portable. That’s beautiful.

The Awkward Starts Are Worth It

Let me level with you: the first time trying a toy together might feel weird. There might be giggling. Or fumbling. Or a vibe that refuses to turn off and ends up buzzing under the bed for three minutes straight (true story, thanks to reader Lily for that gem).

But every couple I’ve ever talked to said it was worth it.

And those awkward beginnings? They’re bonding moments. They become part of your shared erotic mythology—the stories you tell each other in bed years later, between kisses and laughs.

What To Try First—Without Overthinking It

If you’re curious, start small. Bullet vibes. Couple’s rings. A simple suction toy. You don’t need to go full tech-hacker mode out of the gate.

Just find something that piques your interest—and talk about it. That’s step one.

And before you unwrap that vibe or plug, take a moment to ask: “How do you feel about trying this together?” That one question can shift everything—from nervousness to connection.

Reader Noah from New York said, “We just went to a store, picked something that looked fun, and agreed not to take it too seriously. That night changed everything.”

There’s wisdom in that. Don’t over-plan your fun. Let curiosity lead.

Final Thoughts

Sex toys don’t magically fix broken relationships. But they do offer something powerful: the chance to rediscover each other in a new way.

They spark conversations. They break old routines. And they push you to explore parts of yourself—and each other—you might’ve buried beneath kids, jobs, stress, or silence.

And at their best, they remind us that pleasure matters. Connection matters.

You matter.

So if you’ve been thinking about trying one, take this as your sign. Pick something up. Try it. Laugh if it feels awkward. Talk about it after. And keep building the kind of sex life that feels alive.

Because intimacy isn’t something we have. It’s something we create.

Happy vibing!

Rachel

Rachel is a clinical sexologist with a focus on LGBTQ+ and BIPOC issues. Originally from Texas, she loves sushi, white wine, and spending time with her partner Jessica. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Yahoo.com, Women’s Health, Healthline, Glamour, and MindBodyGreen.
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