Why Is There a Sex Toy Stigma? (And How to Solve It)

People have used sex toys for as long as they have had sex organs, but even so, there is still somewhat of a stigma around purchasing and enjoying devices whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure. Why is this? It would take a dozen dissertations to dissect this, but the short answer is that society in general, and Americans in particular, have a very complicated relationship with sex, money, idleness, and spending money to enjoy sex during idle moments. Keep reading for further discussion!

Sex Toys Are Not New

First, we should understand that sex toys and erotica have been part of every culture throughout human history. The oldest known sex toy dates back nearly 30,000 years to the Upper Paleolithic era; it is a stone dildo that appears to have doubled as a blade sharpener (we do not think that this would be a very popular combination in the current day). A phallic object found at the ancient Roman fort of Vindolanda was originally catalogued as a darning tool, which suggests that we need more women on archaeology teams. Jade butt plugs and bronze dildos have been found in Han Dynasty tombs.

References to dildos also appear in Lysistrata (441 BC), the Talmud, Kama Sutra, the Bible, and Shakespeare. So to anyone who thinks that sex toys will be the downfall of society — it hasn’t happened yet!

Modern Media and Pop Culture

Some of our younger readers may not consider these references to be “modern,” but they are more modern than Lysistrata!

• Blanche “accused” Dorothy of hiding a vibrator on the Golden Girls.
• Sex And The City socialite Charlotte was enamored with her rabbit vibrator.
• Boo used a strap-on in Orange Is The New Black.
• Mary-Louise Parker experienced a battery crisis in Weeds.
• Peggy discovered the joys of personal massagers in Mad Men.
• Katie Thurston brought a vibrator on stage with her in The Bachelor.
• Dildos were debated in Inside Amy Schumer.

We said above that society and media send mixed messages around sex toys. These days, their existence is acknowledged, but they are often treated as either silly or shocking. In some ways, this makes it even more difficult to destigmatize sex toys — they are seen as a punch line and not part of healthy self-care.

Where Do We Go From Here?

We think that one of the first steps to normalizing sex toys is education about just how “normal” they are. (And side note — we hate the word “normal” in this context. It’s normal to have a carefully curated collection that costs as much as a used car. It’s normal to have one basic bullet vibrator tucked in the nightstand drawer. And it’s normal to decide that nah, sex toys don’t do it for you at all.)

But if we’re defining “normal” as common, then yes, having and using sex toys (even pricey sex toys) is very normal.

But also:

Let’s take another look at some of these numbers. 79% of Americans own sex toys, but 73% consider sex toys taboo? There is clearly quite a bit of overlap here! It would go a very long way towards normalizing sex toys if the people who use sex toys acknowledged that using sex toys is “normal.”

Industry Influence

As we stated above, the sex toy industry is large and growing. They have the opportunity to help shape the next generation’s narrative around these devices, and we the consumers have the opportunity to support the companies that take on this challenge. Plenty of manufacturers and retailers already do this (and we love them for it), but we call on companies to market their products in a way that makes it clear that sex toys are for every body, and for consumers to internalize this.

Sex toys are toys; they are meant to be fun and of course they are advertised as such. There’s nothing wrong with that! But there are health and wellness benefits to sex toys as well. Sex toy owners report fewer days of feeling mental distress. Couples who use sex toys together are 20% more likely to report happiness in their romantic relationships. It would go a long way if sex toys were positioned the same way as other products that promote self-care and contentment.

Internal Issues

We showed above that there are plenty of us out there who both own/use sex toys and also feel that sex toys are taboo. In the world that we live in, this is not unexpected. But we are a site that focuses on healthy sexuality and well-being, and we don’t think that this kind of internal conflict is part of that.

Of course, this is easier said than done. We’re not going to erase decades of conditioning with a few sentences. But this kind of mental work can also be part of our self-care. We can start with celebrating our relationship with our sex toys, even if that’s a very private celebration. Give yourself a lovely date night instead of a sordid, shameful quickie (unless that’s part of what turns you on, in which case, go for it!).

Educate yourself on your own sexuality, including the role that sex toys may play in your solo or partnered sex life. Learn more about your anatomy and preferences. Rose toy or G-spot vibrator? Anal orgasms?

Understand that desire is a natural part of life and indulging those desires is mentally and physically healthy. If you have a partner, communicate openly about your desires, their desires, and how to meet them together and separately. This can include introducing each other to your personal favorite toys and/or shopping for new ones together.

Going Forward

We are My Sex Toy Guide; obviously, we think that the best way to go forward is to buy lots of good sex toys! But more than that, we think that it’s important to strive to destigmatize sex toys and the people who use them.

Some of us may be able to work on that in big ways, like working on public awareness campaigns or in sexual health education. But most of us will be micro-influencers in this mission. It’s okay if you don’t want people up in your personal business — you don’t have to be a loud and proud activist if that’s not where you are most comfortable.

We should make sure that we don’t contribute to the sex toy stigma. It used to be socially acceptable to “joke” about physically and mentally disabled people; it isn’t anymore. It used to be socially acceptable to “joke” about queer folks; it isn’t any more. And it is currently socially acceptable to “joke” about sex toys and sex toy consumers; you can get ahead of this one. And simply acknowledging, in whatever ways work for you, that sex toys have been a “normal” part of human history for as long as there have been humans will help normalize sex toys.

Happy vibing!

Maggie

Maggie Hart has written about sexual well-being and sexuality in society for quite a few years now. She is active in communities that celebrate sex for older adults.

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