How To Have Anal Sex? Beginner Tips from Sex Educators

If you are new to anal play and anal sex, you probably find it exciting but also intimidating. It’s been the butt (so to speak) of bad jokes forever and ever; clearly, there are a lot of people who find it fascinating but also scary enough to be a punchline.

Our sex educators are here to answer all the questions that you have, and a few that you may not even know that you have. We’ll help you get started and give you a few tips and tricks to make the experience more pleasurable for everyone involved. Keep reading to learn more!

What Is Anal Sex?

When most people talk about “anal sex,” they usually mean anal intercourse, which is when the penetrating partner inserts a penis or dildo into the receiving partner’s anus. There are plenty of other kinds of anal sex play, including analingus (“rimming”), fingering, and anal toys like butt plugs and prostate massagers. For this article, though, we will use the most common definition.

A lot of the bad jokes that we referenced above imply that anal sex is the purview of gay men. It’s true that many gay men do enjoy anal intercourse (prostate stimulation for the receiving partner + a tight passage for the penetrating partner = win/win), but anyone with an anus, and that is most of us across all gender identities and orientations, can enjoy anal sex. Liking or wanting anal sex, either penetrating or receiving, does not make a person gay.

There is documented evidence that heterosexual couples have enjoyed anal sex for thousands of years. Archaeologists have unearthed thousands of clay pots depicting anal sex in what is now Peru. These pots date back to ~100-800 CE and we know that the practice of anal sex goes back even farther than that.

The Pros of Anal Sex:

• One of the best ways to keep a monogamous relationship spicy is to switch things up every now and then. For the penetrating partner, anal sex feels different than vaginal sex.
• There is no risk of pregnancy with anal sex and no need for contraception. If you don’t want to risk pregnancy, you can still experience intimacy with anal sex.
• Anal sex can feel very good. The penetrating partner will usually experience a very snug fit. The anus is sensitive and loaded with nerve endings, so the receiving partner will feel full and stimulated. People with prostates may experience extra stimulation there, and people with vulvas may experience G-spot stimulation through the vaginal wall.

The Cons of Anal Sex:

• Anal sex has the potential to be painful, especially if the penetrating partner has a larger-than-average penis.
• Anal sex requires preparation, a lot of lube, and a slow start. This is not a “quickie” for most folks.
• It’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. No one should ever be pressured to have any sex that they don’t want.

Is Anal Sex Safe?

Anal sex is safe when we take reasonable precautions. We will explain more below but these include practicing good hygiene, using lots of good-quality lube, starting out slowly, and communicating any discomfort. We mean physical discomfort, of course, but we also mean mental and emotional discomfort as well. Anal sex has a bit of a learning curve, and if you’re not interested and committed, you shouldn’t put yourself through that. Additionally, your body needs to be relaxed for anal sex to work well, and if your brain isn’t relaxed, your body won’t be either.

What Does Anal Sex Feel Like?

Every body is different, and every pair of bodies is different, so there’s no way to predict exactly what anal sex will feel like for anyone else. The penetrating partner can expect a very tight passage with more friction than the vagina. The receiving partner will likely feel stretching and pressure. If the receiving partner has a prostate, they may experience stimulation and/or orgasm. If the receiving partner has a vulva, they may feel (through the vaginal wall) stimulation of the G-spot and/or A-spot.

In this archived Reddit thread, people with vaginas explain what anal sex feels like to them:

“In the beginning, it feels like you need to have a poop, but I find that pretty quickly disappears into just an amaaaazing pleasure. I feel everything in there. My anus itself is incredibly sensitive & the in and out motion is highly pleasurable. I love the feeling of him pushing right in and being all filled up.”

“It’s like a force multiplier for intense orgasms. Anything I could experience through clitoral stimulation is enhanced X100, and the orgasm is more of a full-body sensation originating through the entire pelvis rather than just the clitoris.”

“It does start out feeling like I have to poop, yeah, but with some relaxation and a good partner, that feeling goes away after half a minute and is replaced by a deep pleasure.”

How to Prepare for Anal Sex?

First things first: let’s get clean. Wash your body thoroughly. Many people like to go further and clean out their insides as well. You can do a gentle enema/anal douche with an enema kit or bulb syringe and warm water (don’t use soap or other chemicals). This is likely to make you defecate, so you’ll want to start it at least half an hour before you plan to get busy, and you may want to wash again afterwards.

Preparing your mind is as important as preparing your body. Put on soft pajamas or whatever makes you feel cute and comfortable. Set yourself up with a cold drink and your favorite music and/or some inspiring adult content.

Make sure that you have soft towels and plenty of lube handy. Anal sex has the potential to be messy, so you may want to put a large towel or waterproof sex blanket down on the bed (or wherever you are planning to play). Pro tip: waterproof “pet blankets” usually cost a lot less than waterproof “sex blankets,” and they are equally soft and comfortable.

How to Have Penetrative Anal Sex?

Anal sex requires more prep and a slower start than vaginal intercourse. It also requires more communication since there is more potential for discomfort.

Pre-Gaming

1. Set Boundaries and Expectations

If either of you has hard limits around anal sex, now is the time to put them on the table. Clear communication is the best way to prevent disappointment or unpleasant surprises in the moment.

It’s a good idea to set up a safe word if you haven’t already. Choose a word that is unmistakable and is not likely to be part of dirty talk. Agree that if either of you utters that word, all action stops immediately; you can always talk it out and start back up again if you want. Alternatively, you could use the “traffic light” system where green means go, yellow means slow down and prepare to stop (here, it does not mean speed up and try to beat the light), and red means full stop.

Adults shouldn’t have to discuss hygiene and cleanliness, but if you need to plan for prep, now is the time. It’s also time to talk about condoms if you are practicing safer sex (and if you are not in a monogamous relationship with two sets of negative STI tests, you should be). STIs can be transmitted through anal sex, and the risk is even higher than in vaginal sex since anal sex often results in micro-tears. Do not use oil-based lubes with latex condoms, and do put on a new condom if you are moving from anal sex to vaginal intercourse.

2. What to Eat Before Anal Sex?

If you know that certain foods make you gassy (or more), it’s wise to avoid them before any kind of partnered sex but especially anal sex. We suggest a shared meal of foods that are easy to digest and not too spicy, such as lean protein, rice, and fruits (like a banana for potassium) and vegetables.

Staying well hydrated is good for you in general, but it also keeps your skin supple and that’s important here because it can help reduce tears and abrasions. We recommend going light on the alcohol before anal sex, both for digestive health and to make clear communication easier.

3. Choosing the Right Lube

Lube, and lots of it, is a necessity for anal sex. You will need to apply lube generously before you get started, and you will likely need to reapply during sex. A lube bottle that is easy to open and dispense one-handed is a nice thing to have.

Water-based lube is the standard. It is compatible with all sex toys, safe to use with latex condoms, and friendly to most bodies. It also washes out of sheets and towels fairly easily. Water-based lube has a tendency to dry out quickly, though, so be conscious about reapplying as needed.

Silicone-based lube has a lovely slippery texture, but it’s messy and it’s not compatible with silicone sex toys. It is safe to use with condoms.

Oil-based lube is a good choice for sensitive skin (and the anus can be very sensitive) and doesn’t dry out easily. However, any oil or oil-based lube should not be used with latex condoms since it weakens the latex.

Game On

4. Inserting the Penis or Finger

We can’t stress this enough: start slowly and gently. You can always ramp up when you’re both ready, but if you go too far too fast, the receiving partner may be too uncomfortable to continue.

Start by applying plenty of lube to the receiving partner’s anus and the surrounding area, and to the penetrating partner’s penis, fingers, and/or strap-on. The penetrating partner should caress (and kiss, if you’re both up for that) the entrance to the receiving partner’s anus. Rub fingers and the tip of the penis or dildo around the area so the receiving partner can get used to the feel.

The receiving partner should take a deep breath and try to relax their body, especially the pubococcygeus muscles. Although it feels counterintuitive, we recommend bearing down (gently) as if you were trying to defecate, since that can actually open up the anus.

Remember to go slowly and gently! Real life is not porn, and porn actors are paid a lot of money to pretend that they like fast, hard, dry anal sex. Partners should communicate how they are feeling, such as when to slow down and when they are ready for a little more intensity.

4. Best Anal Sex Positions

As always, the best sex position is the one that feels best to you and your partner. This isn’t the Olympics and no one is being graded on style or difficulty. We will walk through four anal sex positions that are recommended for folks who are new to this, but you should take what you want and leave the rest; again, do what feels best to you.

• Doggy Style: This is the classic anal sex position, and it’s well suited for beginners because it opens up the receiving partner’s anus and gives the penetrating partner great access and control. The receiving partner should get on their hands and knees on the bed, with their head and upper body lowered and a pillow under their hips.
• Cowgirl: We all know and love this woman-on-top position, and it’s good for folks who are new to anal sex because it lets the receiving partner control the angle and depth of penetration. It does require some leg strength to exert that control.
• Missionary: This also works well for anal and it is a very intimate position, which may help facilitate communication. For better access and deeper penetration, the receiving partner can rest their legs on the penetrating partner’s shoulders or around their waist.
• Spooning: This position is usually comfortable for both partners, and this can be very reassuring. It lets the receiving partner lean back on the penetrating partner for additional support. In addition, deep penetration is often not possible in this position (this depends on the size of the receiving partner’s derriere and the penetrating partner’s penis), which is not necessarily a bad thing for couples who are still learning their limits.

5. Other Anal Techniques, Tips, and Tricks

We wouldn’t be My Sex Toy Guide if we didn’t suggest that some sex toys can make the experience easier and/or enhance it. Starting out with a butt plug, anal vibrator, or anal beads can gently stretch the anus while pleasuring it. Lube is necessary here too, and any toy that goes in your butt needs to have a wide or flared base. The sphincter is a surprisingly strong muscle and has been known to “suck in” toys that do not have a built-in parking brake. This can lead to a painful, expensive, and embarrassing trip to the emergency department of your local hospital.

Most anal sex positions also allow either partner to stimulate the receiving partner’s clitoris or penis. Not only does this feel good for the receiving partner, but it helps them relax their body and this makes anal sex easier and more pleasurable for both partners.

Double penetration is not for beginners, but if the receiving partner wants to experience double penetration, they can also add a dildo in the vagina. Note that this makes the anus even tighter, so this is not for beginners. Also not for beginners is double anal penetration.

If you do not currently have a partner but do have an anus, or if you are apprehensive about trying anal sex with a partner before you’ve figured it out on your own, there are plenty of sex toys that are good for anal masturbation (remember that they need to have a wide or flared base). Start slowly, both in insertion and intensity. It’s always easier to ramp up than to walk back.

6. Prostate Play

This is for people with prostates! The prostate is often referred to as the P-spot, and it is considered to be the equivalent of the G-spot in people with vulvas. It’s a fair comparison, because it’s not always easy to find and not all people with prostates can orgasm this way (just like not all people with vulvas can achieve G-spot orgasms), but if/when it happens, it’s very intense.

The prostate produces seminal fluid and it is located on the front wall of the rectum, about two inches deep. It’s usually easiest to try to find it with a finger first. Apply plenty of lube to both your body and your finger, angle your finger towards your navel (nail towards the back, pad towards the front), and insert it gently. If you feel a small walnut-sized bump, that’s your prostate!

People with smaller fingers, larger backsides, and/or less flexibility may do better exploring with a curved dildo or vibrator. We recommend choosing a toy designed for prostate play, but many G-spot vibrators are the right size and shape. Make sure that whatever product you choose has a flared or wide base for safety.

If you are playing with your finger or a partner’s fingers, you could try the “come hither” motion where you curve your finger and make a hooking motion as if you were inviting someone to move closer. You can also try gently and rhythmically tapping the prostate as if you were ringing a doorbell. With a vibrator, start out low and slow. Go through the menu until you find a pattern that you like; most people with prostates seem to prefer deep, rumbly vibrations over fast and buzzy.

Post-Game Considerations

7. Aftercare

Aftercare is an important part of sex, but even more so when the experience is intense and/or challenging. Talk with your partner about what you liked, what you didn’t like, and what you might like to do differently. (If the answer is that you don’t want to do anything differently because you don’t ever want to do it again, that’s also valid and needs to be communicated). Take time to connect with and care for each other.

8. Cleanup and Maintenance

Dispose of any condoms and wash hands and bodies before touching faces, mouths, or any mucus membranes. Use gentle fragrance-free soap on the anal area and pat dry with a soft towel. Check as best as you can for any minor tears or abrasions, and soothe them with coconut oil or a soak in a warm bath with Epsom salts. (Anything more than minor, you should consider a call to your health care provider.) Towels go straight into the washing machine.

If you used sex toys in your anal play, they will need to be cleaned thoroughly. Wipe off any leftover lube or debris. Waterproof sex toys should be washed with mild fragrance-free soap and warm water. Pat the toy dry with a soft cloth and let it air-dry before putting it away. If the toy is not waterproof (and really, we do not recommend using non-waterproof toys for anal play), follow the manufacturer’s directions or use a specialized sex toy cleaner.

Happy vibing!

Maggie

Maggie Hart has written about sexual well-being and sexuality in society for quite a few years now. She is active in communities that celebrate sex for older adults.

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