BDSM Brat Play: Beginner Tips & Safety

Well, now I want more, ’cause I’m gettin’ bored

And I’m goin’ nowhere fast

I was once filled with doubt, but it’s all figured out

— Brat, Green Day

If you find “brattiness” (in adults) more intriguing than annoying, you may want to join the world of BDSM Brats and Brat Tamers. This includes much of the same energy traditionally associated with BDSM, especially the discipline part, but it tends to feel more playful.

Read on to learn more about this playful but sexy relationship dynamic!

What Is a BDSM Brat?

In a BDSM Dom(me)/sub relationship, a Brat is a sub who pushes back just a little. They like to test their Dom/me’s limits and they especially like it when the Dom/me puts them in their place. While every relationship is different and every couple establishes their own limits and boundaries, a Brat is usually playful and mischievous as opposed to rude or nasty. Brats enjoy the power dynamic as much as their Tamers do, so this is more of a game than a genuine power struggle.

What Is a Brat Tamer?

A Brat tamer is a Dom/me who thrives on asserting their authority and bringing a Brat under control. Just like a Brat is generally not rude or nasty, a Brat Tamer is not abusive. The Tamer seeks to correct the Brat’s behavior, not squash their spirit or humiliate them. A Brat Tamer should have good communication skills and be able to read the Brat’s body language; of course, they should still take the Brat at their word, especially if it’s the safe word.

Why Do Some Subs Want to Be Brats?

People enjoy Brat play for the same reasons that they enjoy other role-play. It spices up their sex lives and keeps things interesting. It can also be freeing to “play” a character who can say and do things that you might not feel completely comfortable with otherwise. And as with other BDSM play, Brat games let couples push boundaries (remember that push is very different than trample).

Brat play also works well for couples who enjoy exploring power dynamics but are not comfortable with or interested in the pain and humiliation that is often a part of traditional BDSM. Brat taming definitely comes from a place of authority, but it’s typically kinder than many other forms of Dom(me)/sub interactions.

How Are Ways a Brat Can Act Out?

Most of us know what bratty behavior is — we’ve had kids and/or we’ve been kids! But if you’re wondering how that looks in the context of BDSM Brat play, some suggestions are:

• Testing Boundaries: Brats want to see what they can get away with. If a minor transgression doesn’t get the attention they crave, they ramp it up until it does. They want their Dom/me to reassert control, and they are going to push them until it happens.
• Deliberate Disobedience: A Brat can make a point of defying their Dom/me (to get a reaction). This can be outright refusal or it can be doing the bare minimum and pouting about it. This is a Brat trying to win, and the Brat Tamer won’t let that happen.
• Talking Back and Questioning Authority: Brats are sassy. Brats want to challenge their Dom/me, and words are one way to do this. But they also don’t actually want to win, so the Brat Tamer needs to put them in their place — which satisfies both players here!
• Mischief: We’re talking about how Brats push back against their Dom/mes, but it’s important to remember that while Brats may be defiant, they are rarely unpleasant. They are teasing and testing, not vile.

A Step-by-Step Beginner Guide

If you’re interested in exploring BDSM Brat play with your partner, there are a few things that you should know before you get started.

Please keep in mind that any sort of BDSM is considered advanced sex play. Any action that you take upon the information on this website is strictly at your own risk, as laid out in our Terms of Service.

1. Establish Boundaries

Any time that you engage in something new sexually, it’s important to establish expectations and boundaries. It’s best to do this in a non-sexual setting; you’re adults, so you can talk like adults. Share what you’re interested in trying and where your limits are.

For something like BDSM (and Brat play is generally considered part of the BDSM world) where pushing back and taking control are part of the dynamic, it’s especially important to make your hard limits clear in advance and set up a safe word or signal that stops all action immediately while you regroup and reassess.

2. Choose Your Roles

This scenario involves a Brat and a Brat Tamer. Typically, the Brat is the submissive partner and the Brat Tamer is the dominant one. A Brat thrives on pushing buttons and testing limits, and the Brat Tamer is very willing to properly discipline the Brat to bring them under control.

True switches are rare in the BDSM world, so you will probably find one of these roles far more natural and appealing than the other.

3. Set the Scene

Part of the draw of BDSM play is that it can be a very immersive experience, and that includes setting a scene for your play. You don’t necessarily have to do a full script and set dressing, but think about the relationship between the Brat and the Brat Tamer and create an ambiance that amplifies it.

Teacher-student? Priest-altar boy? It’s up to you and your partner! You can keep it simple with just a few props, or you can go all out with costumes and BDSM furniture.

4. Start Slow

This is a good idea when you’re trying anything new, whether that’s BDSM in general or Brat play in particular. It’s always easier to go forward instead of backward, so start out with a relatively tame scenario and some mild correction from the Brat Tamer.

Talk about it afterwards, see how you both felt about the scene, and decide whether you want to repeat it at that level, take it a step or two further, or call it done and move on to your next adventure.

5. Communicate

And that brings us to the next point: communication is essential in any kind of sexual relationship and much more so when you’re playing games that have the potential to hurt feelings and/or bodies.

Check in with each other regularly and keep the lines of communication open: this means both being willing and able to say hard things, and being willing and able to hear hard things without feeling hurt or lashing out.

6. Engage in Aftercare

Aftercare is part of communication, but it’s important enough to get its own separate entry. When you’ve just been through something intense together — and BDSM is often very intense — it’s crucial to come down together, take care of each other both physically and emotionally, and reconnect.

It’s also a good idea to share your reactions while they are still fresh in your mind, especially anything that left you feeling not-okay.

7. Consider Adding BDSM Toys

We would not be My Sex Toy Guide if we didn’t think that sex toys and gear can take good sex to another level altogether! There are plenty of BDSM toys that fit the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic, such as paddles, floggers, gags, or restraints. Sex furniture is worth considering too — a Brat Tamer might find that a spanking bench is ideal for correcting the Brat’s insubordination.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Can You Be a BDSM Submissive and Not Into Brat Play?

Of course! BDSM is a huge umbrella. Brat play is one way that some couples like to explore BDSM, but it’s definitely not mandatory. Brat play is characterized by lightness and playfulness. Some couples find this more natural and comfortable than play that feels more aggressive, and that’s absolutely fine. Other couples want the opposite of “lightness” in their much darker BDSM scenarios, and that’s absolutely fine too! It’s all about what works for each sub and their Dom/me, and that’s why we’re such strong advocates for open communication.

How Do I Go About Introducing This to My Partner?

See what we wrote above about open communication! This goes for introducing fetishes and kinks. Talk to your partner about your interest and inquire about theirs. Make sure that the conversation focuses on mutual pleasure and exploration as well as consent, expectations, and boundaries.

Where Can I Find a Brat Tamer/Brat?

Brat play falls on the BDSM spectrum, so the best place to find a Brat or Brat Tamer is on apps and platforms that cater to the kink/BDSM community. These include:

• FetLife: FetLife is set up as a social networking site for connection and community-building and not specifically a dating app (but yes, people do find partners here).
• AdultFriendFinder: This is one of the oldest and largest sex-oriented dating sites. While it is not explicitly kink-oriented, it is definitely kink-friendly and you will not be shamed for making your desires clear.
• KinkD: This app requires photo verification for users, which is not an absolute guarantee of safety (you should still do your own due diligence) but it’s more than most apps do. As the name makes clear, this is a site for people who are kinky or open to kink.

Maggie

Maggie Hart has written about sexual well-being and sexuality in society for quite a few years now. She is active in communities that celebrate sex for older adults.

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