From Rituals to Relationship Wellness

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On February 21, 2026

Valentine’s Day has come to be associated with all things gooey – chocolate, roses, expensive vacations proclaiming our love for a partner we’re supposed to have. But the true history of Valentine’s Day is much more complicated. If you’re feeling pressured by the capitalist-industrial-marriage complex to pair up and buy expensive presents, here’s a deep dive into the twisted story of how a pagan Roman fertility ritual became another way for corporations to sell greeting cards.

The Dark Roots of Valentine’s Day: From Lupercalia to St. Valentine

What is the real story of Valentine’s Day, you ask? Well, this Hallmark holiday started off as a pagan party. Thousands of years ago, the ancient Romans celebrated the annual pastoral festival of Lupercalia on February 15th. Presided over by a group of priests called the Luperci, each Lupercalia began with the sacrifice of goats and a dog. Rituals involving fertility symbols like bloody knives, wool, milk, and a sacrificial feast followed, concluding with a fun little romp where the Luperci chased after women waving strips of hide cut from the skins of the sacrificial animals called Februa. Being struck by the Februa was supposed to render you fertile, aka ready for baby-making.

While blood sacrifice and tag-you’re-pregnant games may seem eons removed from modern reality, Lupercalia was really a communal way to manage the very human feelings surrounding reproductive anxiety – a concern that transcends time and impacts millions of people today. Rather than pressuring women to pair off with fairytale happy endings, Lupercalia gave people a (magical) solution and an outlet to express their fears of being barren. To misquote Oscar Wilde, “Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.”

The cultural rebranding of Valentine’s Day began with Pope Gelasius I, who banned Lupercalia in 494 ce and replaced it with St. Valentine’s Day, after two Roman martyrs named Valentine who were executed on Feb. 14 of different years. It gets a bit murkier here – The Normans also celebrated Galatin’s Day (Galatin means “lover of women”) around the same time, and the two may have been conflated. Either way, Valentine’s Day became less of a naked debacle.

The “Valentine’s Effect”: Why We Feel Pressure to be Intimate

Valentine’s Day was transformed – once again – from a day of martyrdom to a couple’s holiday in the 14th century, thanks to English poet Geoffrey Chaucer’s 1382 poem Parlement of Foules. Courtly love and exaggerated romance was coming into vogue. Chaucer’s famous lines, “For this was on Saint Valentine’s Day, when every fowl cometh there to choose his mate” proved to be such a hit that it kicked off Valentine’s Day as a celebration of courtly love – and the pressure was on for future generations to find, and impress, their partners on Feb 14th.

The evolution of romance, or at least how Western society views it, goes hand-in-hand with the pressure to perform grand gestures. As arranged marriages fell out of favor, relationship definitions grew more nebulous. The ancients clearly defined marriage as two things: To join assets, and to procreate. When children became more of an option and less of a retirement plan, Western society began trying to use concrete symbols to prove the amorphous, mysterious spark we call love.

The dark truth about Valentine’s Day is the way this can create a disconnect between partners, who may feel pressured to live up to rom-com standards. After all, what’s the point of grand gestures without emotional intimacy? Roses, jewelry, and hallmark cards are nice – but when we focus on commercialized symbols rather than actual connection, we’re putting on a performance for the outside world and neglecting the intimacy that fosters stronger relationships.

Beyond Chocolate: Reclaiming the Holiday for Self-Care

It’s even worse for singles. The pressure to find a partner can feel overwhelming on a day when every TV commercial, social media post, and store window seems to be bombarding you with the message that everybody is happier than you, and that you are a failure for not being in a couple.

But you’re not. Being single on Valentine’s Day means nothing more than having the opportunity to treat yourself to your favorite wellness routine and have fun exploring the most important relationship in your life: The one you have with yourself. Draw up a bubble bath, catch up on some reading, have a little solo pleasure sesh, or indulge in your favorite meal. Take the time to check in with yourself and prioritize your mental health, because guess what – whether or not you’re in love with someone else is irrelevant until you love yourself first.

3 Ways to Celebrate “Wellness-First” Valentine’s Day

So how can we really prioritize relationship wellness? You’ve probably heard the old adage, “Relationships are a full-time job,” (Which is why you should enjoy all that free time being single!), meaning that it’s important to put work into your relationship whether it’s Valentine’s Day or just any old Monday. “Micro-Intimacy,” which is practicing small, authentic acts of care in your everyday life is key to keeping your relationship strong.

Valentine’s day shouldn’t be the beginning and end of showing care for your partner, but it’s a good day to start being more aware. Here’s how you can incorporate wellness-forward practices into your relationship:

1. Communicate Their Value

Like your Kindergarten teacher probably taught you when the class exchanged Valentines, the practice of giving Valentines is supposed to be about communicating how much somebody means to you. You don’t need to wait for Valentine’s Day to let your partner know how much they mean to you, and it doesn’t have to be in the form of some grand gesture. For example, if you’re in the house and your partner comes home, stop whatever you’re doing and take the time to greet them. Make eye contact, touch them, and communicate how happy you are to see them.

2. Do Something Nice For Your Partner Every Day

Whether this means offering to drive them to a friend’s house without being asked, cooking a favorite meal, giving them a back massage, or picking up their favorite treat at the grocery store just because you happened to be there, doing nice things without the expectation of reciprocation shows that you’re thinking about them.

3. Notice Them

In the beginning of any romance, everything about your partner is fresh and new and you’re in an endorphine-fueled race to take it all in. But as you settle into each other, familiarity dulls perception. The next time you’re together, observe one little feature that you may have stopped noticing over time. Maybe it’s the way they bite their lip when they’re concentrating, or how they rub your tummy when you’re laying in bed together. Verbalize your observation out loud in a positive manner. You’re showing them you “see” them as a valuable addition to your life, not just someone to carpool with.

History At a Glance: What Is The Origin of Valentine’s Day?

Ancient Romans celebrated the fertility festival of Lupercalia on February 15th
The festival was rebranded after Saint Valentine by Pope Gelasius I
In the 14th century, poets like Chaucer and the tradition of “courtly love” tied Valentine’s Day to romantic courtship
Valentine’s Day becomes a commercialized holiday emphasizing grand gestures to prove romantic love

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