10 Oral Sex Tips for Women Who Feel Awkward Receiving It

Cunnilingus, or oral sex, is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Since most vagina-havers experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation and not intercourse, it’s also a near surefire way to ensure sexual satisfaction in a relationship.

But our partners aren’t always sure we want it and, to be honest, a lot of people with vaginas aren’t always sure they want to receive it. We think about the way our vaginas look. How they smell. Whether our partner is enjoying it and, because of a lot of internalized negativity toward our vaginas, we can feel dirty. We wonder whether we look “normal” down there. And all of those insecurities keep us from relaxing and loving the moment (and for some folks this can get in the way of orgasm), while our partners often aren’t sure what to make of our “no, but yes, but are you sure you want to do that?” signals.

Comparison can also mess with our heads – we’re constantly stuck on the idea that we should look or smell a certain way. But the truth? That scent you’re overthinking? It’s often a huge turn-on. “I’m talking about pheromones. One guy once told me he’d wear a gas mask with the scent of a vulva just to breathe it in,”  Kate ‘InBedWithKate’ Kozlova, a resident sex educator at Luxus, tells SheKnows. “Some people shop online for used panties for the same reason. What we think is ‘gross’ is often insanely hot to others.”

Beyond that, receiving oral can feel vulnerable in a way many of us aren’t used to. “A lot of women struggle with being vulnerable, opening up, and receiving,” Kozlova says. “Opening your legs for oral sex involves a greater kind of openness, and as women, we’re so used to being the givers, the caretakers, the ones who say, ‘I’m good, you go ahead.’ So when it’s time to just lie back and receive pleasure — even though we deserve it — it can feel uncomfortable. We’re culturally conditioned to prioritize male pleasure.”

We might also feel insecure about how long it takes to climax, worrying that we’re taking “too long” instead of staying present. “In reality, most vaginas don’t operate on the same timeline as penises,” says Kozlova. “There’s no magic button you can press to get a vulva turned on and ready to orgasm in minutes.”

The truth? You deserve pleasure. You deserve to feel safe, turned on, and adored – smell and all.

Of course you can always opt out of cunnilingus — no one should participate in a sexual activity that they’re uncomfortable with — but if you are curious and down for someone to go down on you, you might find it easier to let go and let yourself be pleasured with these expert tips.

Don’t be ashamed to straight-up ask for what you want, but make it sexy

It’s one thing to bark orders and make demands in bed, and quite another to lean over and whisper that you would do anything — anything — if they would do that thing with their tongue that drives you over the edge. Be direct, honest and hot about it.

“Direct communication is incredibly powerful because it eliminates the guesswork that creates anxiety for both partners,” Alicia Sinclair, sex educator, founder and CEO of Le Wand, tells SheKnows. “When you say exactly what you want in a sultry way, you’re not just giving instructions—you’re expressing desire, which is inherently sexy. Try something like ‘I’ve been thinking about your mouth on me all day’ rather than a clinical request. This frames oral sex as something you actively want, not something you’re hesitantly allowing.”

Pay a compliment

If your partner isn’t going down there as much as you’d like, it’s possible they lack confidence that they are pleasuring you to your satisfaction. So make sure you are your partner’s greatest cheerleader when something is working. If something isn’t working, say it and suggest a move that does. Say out loud that you love that one thing. Announce when you’re about to come and make it clear the reason it’s happening. Once you see how much it pleases your partner to please you, it won’t feel so awkward.

“Positive reinforcement during oral sex serves a dual purpose: it guides your partner toward what works while simultaneously building your own confidence,” Sinclair says. “When you vocalize pleasure—‘that feels incredible’ or ‘don’t stop doing that’—you’re training yourself to focus on the good sensations rather than your insecurities. Many women discover that the act of verbalizing pleasure actually amplifies it.”

Groom to boost your confidence

You don’t have to torture yourself by getting monthly Brazilian wax treatments if that’s not your thing. However, if you’re worried about what you look like down there and it prevents you from initiating oral sex even though you want it, do what you can to ensure you are clean and groomed to your own standards. You don’t have to spend a dime or cause you great pain to do so, either. Trim a little, shave a bit, and hop in the shower first if you’re feeling frisky and have just arrived home from the gym. Chances are your partner loves you no matter what, but self-confidence goes a long way.

“Self-care rituals before intimacy can be incredibly powerful for shifting your mindset from anxious to excited. The key is doing what makes you feel confident, not what you think your partner expects,” Sinclair says. “If a quick shower and some light grooming helps you feel more present in your body, that’s valid self-care, not vanity. Remember, confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.”

 Let your body provide clues

Women are often accused of not being more honest and upfront when it comes to asking for what we want, especially during sex. It’s a valid point, but it can also get rather annoying having to always feel like a nag. One way to avoid the oral sex talk that can kill the mood is to use nonverbal cues. If your partner is kissing your neck or chest, nudge your body upward to let him know you’d like him to explore other areas.

“Non-verbal communication can be incredibly effective because it feels more organic and less demanding than verbal requests,” Sinclair explains. “Physical cues like guiding your partner’s head or positioning your body strategically can communicate desire without breaking the flow of intimacy. This approach works particularly well for people who struggle with direct verbal communication about sex.”

Don’t play dead

In addition to verbally expressing what you like while he’s giving you oral sex, let yourself be free enough to moan, groan, wriggle and enjoy! The more responsive you are, most partners will get the hint that you really, really like what’s going on and want it to happen more often.

“Authentic responsiveness creates a positive feedback loop—when you allow yourself to moan, move, and react naturally, you’re not just communicating with your partner, you’re also staying connected to your own pleasure,” Sinclair says. “Many women hold back their natural responses out of self-consciousness, but this actually disconnects them from the very sensations they’re trying to enjoy.”

Besides, anyone who doesn’t leap at the chance to drive you that wild again is seriously lacking in the effort department. Again, once you see how it satisfies your partner to satisfy you, it will help you feel more confident.

Give your partner oral sex

Take the lead by giving oral sex to send the message that you want to spend more time on foreplay but aren’t quite sure how to come out and say that directly. Then, if they try to go straight for the main course, ask them to reciprocate. If your partner isn’t into oral, that’s another conversation, but it’s a great non-verbal way to make it clear it’s something you’re into (that works great with using your words too!)

“Leading by example is a subtle but effective way to communicate that oral sex is a priority for you without having to explicitly negotiate. It demonstrates that you value extended foreplay and oral pleasure, which can naturally lead to reciprocation,” Sinclair shares. “Plus, giving pleasure often helps us feel more comfortable receiving it—there’s something equalizing about mutual oral sex.”

Start loving your vulva

According to Kozlova, the more you love and appreciate your vulva and all she does for you — including, yes, what she looks and smells like — the more comfortable you’ll feel about oral sex. She recommends starting by using a mirror or filming your vulva close-up to familiarize yourself with your anatomy. “You might even get turned on by the aesthetics of your own body!” She says. “You can improve sexual confidence and body image by speaking positive affirmations to your vulva and telling it how much you love it.”

From there, Sinclair says you can move onto self-exploration and self–pleasure. “Many women benefit from spending time exploring their own bodies through masturbation and self-touch before receiving oral sex from a partner. When you know what feels good and become comfortable with your own anatomy, you bring that confidence into partnered experiences. You can’t fully receive pleasure from someone else if you’re not comfortable with your own body first.”

Create a comfort ritual.

Sinclair suggests establishing a pre-intimacy routine that helps you transition from daily stress into a sensual mindset. “This might be dimming the lights, playing music you love, or taking a few minutes to connect through kissing and eye contact before moving to oral sex,” she says. “The goal is creating an environment where you feel emotionally and physically safe to be vulnerable and receive pleasure.”

Practice mindful presence.

One technique that Sinclair recommends is mindful breathing during oral sex. “When you notice your mind wandering to insecurities—‘Do I smell okay?’ ‘Is this taking too long?’—bring your attention back to physical sensations through deep breathing,” she explains. “Focus on what you can actually feel rather than what you’re worried about. This practice helps retrain your brain to stay present with pleasure rather than spiraling into anxiety.”

Use a positioning pillow.

Sometimes you can’t relax because the way your body is positioned just doesn’t allow you to. Which is why Kozlova recommends elevating your hips with a sex pillow, which can improve comfort and help provide easier access for your partner while reducing neck strain. “It can also help boost your confidence by putting your body in a flattering, supported position,” she says.

A version of this story was published January 2016.

Before you go, check out our (NSFW but totally nice) sex position bucket list: