What Is A Ruined Orgasm?

If you are new to the concept of a “ruined orgasm,” you may be wondering how a person can ruin an orgasm. And, why?

One of our sex educators, Maggie Hart, is here to explain the appeal of a ruined orgasm and how you can incorporate this into your solo or partnered sex life.

What Is a Ruined Orgasm?

A ruined orgasm is exactly what it sounds like. When a person is very close to orgasm, their partner stops abruptly and the orgasm does not happen, or if it does, it’s more like a sneeze than a body-shaking climax. (People can also do this to themselves during solo play time.)

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They experience the buildup of tension but not the release.

This is pretty much the opposite of forced orgasms, which can also be part of playing with power dynamics. When a person “forces” orgasms on their partner, it’s a different kind of intensity and submission.

And although the mechanics are similar, a ruined orgasm is also not edging. Both ruined orgasms and edging involve taking your partner (or yourself) to the brink of orgasm and then stopping short.

For a ruined orgasm, that’s the end goal. But the purpose of edging is to either make yourself last longer during partnered sex or to make your orgasm more intense after a few rounds of edging.

How Does a Ruined Orgasm Feel?

Some people do feel kind of a rush from the intensity of the buildup. It’s also pretty common to be extremely sensitive after a ruined orgasm, which makes the next (hopefully successful) attempt even more intense.

However, the primary appeal of a ruined orgasm is not physical. As sex educator Rev. Rucifer explains:

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Ruined orgasms tend to connect with elements of power dynamics and control that can often be explored within kink… the experience of a ruined orgasm can be [a] fetish, where they receive pleasure and satisfaction from the denial of pleasure.

Intentionally ruined orgasms are almost always part of power play, which may or may not include elements of BDSM. The person whose orgasm is ruined gives up control of their body to their partner, and that can be very thrilling.

It can also be a form of release in itself, especially for people who feel a lot of stress in their day-to-day lives.

If you and your partner incorporate humiliation or shame into your power dynamics play, ruining orgasms may be a very powerful tool in your toolbox. You can even lock the submissive partner into a chastity device to ensure their frustration after the ruined orgasm.

Consent and Communication

All sex requires consent and communication, of course, but it’s even more crucial when you are exploring kink and other forms of power play.

Partners need to establish explicit boundaries and check in with each other frequently both during and after the encounter. Partners also need to be open to hearing “I didn’t like that and don’t want to do it again” without shaming their partner or taking it personally.

It’s also important to set up a safe word. A safe word is a word that is unmistakable and also unlikely to come up organically in a sexual encounter — like banjo or pineapple.

When that safe word comes out, all activity stops. Immediately. (This sounds sort of like a ruined orgasm, but safe words are about safety first and foremost.) It’s much easier to resume play time if it was a false alarm than it is to regain trust if you push on when your partner needs to stop.

This goes for any kind of kink that you may be into!

How to Have a Ruined Orgasm?

This actually takes a bit of practice! If you stop too soon, you won’t experience the rush of a truly ruined orgasm, but if you don’t stop in time, you will orgasm, which ruins your plan for a ruined orgasm.

1. Doing It Yourself: It is probably easier to do it yourself, because you have presumably orgasmed many times in your lifetime and you know your body best. If this is something that you’d like to explore with a partner, we recommend trying it solo so that you are better able to identify and communicate your own personal point of no return.
2. Doing It to Your Partner: When you want to ruin your partner’s orgasm, you first need to get them very close to climax. You can do this through oral sex or whatever else works for you as a couple! Pay very close attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues, and when they are ramping up to an orgasm, stop all stimulation!
3. With Sex Toys: We are My Sex Toy Guide, so of course we are going to suggest that sex toys are a great way to get your partner close to orgasm and then ruin it. If your partner has a penis, they may enjoy the stimulation of a vibrating cock ring (but be aware that if they are really close to orgasm, the contact involved with removing the cock ring could accidentally push them over the edge). Partners of all genders can enjoy a wand vibrator, and wands are very easy to manage.

Are There Any Risks?

There are no physical risks to a ruined orgasm. “Blue balls,” or the female equivalent, can be temporarily uncomfortable but will not cause either long- or short-term damage.

If your discomfort is beyond what you were expecting, the obvious answer is to invoke your safe word, call an end to power play time, and relieve yourself with an orgasm. (You should consult a health care provider if you feel pain beyond pressure and discomfort, or if an orgasm does not relieve the discomfort.)

If you and your partner have maintained open lines of communication and are willing to hear each other out, there are no relationship risks to experimenting with ruined orgasms. As with any sex or kink play, the risk comes when consent and communication are not prioritized.

Ruined orgasms can bring up some powerful feelings, so both partners need to be prepared to talk it through if/when that happens.

Maggie

Maggie Hart has written about sexual well-being and sexuality in society for quite a few years now. She is active in communities that celebrate sex for older adults.

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