When & How To Talk to Your Kids About Masturbation

Many children start exploring their bodies at a very young age. That’s normal and natural — and this exploration mean they start learning about masturbation sooner than you’d think. After all, they may quickly discover that it feels good, which could lead to some questions about what’s going on there.

This can be a tricky talk for parents to figure out the appropriate time and language to approach this topic. But just as it’s important to make sure your child has a shame-free understanding of their body, it can also be an important time to teach them about privacy and boundaries as well.

We asked the experts to weigh in and let us know when we should start the conversation (one of many!) and how to talk to our kids about masturbation in a way that feels somewhat comfortable for everyone. Celebrate Masturbation Month (it’s May!) by better preparing yourself for these conversations that don’t have to be so intimidating!

There is no set age to talk about masturbation

This conversation really depends on your child. As the parent, you know your child best, says Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist and therapeutic relationship coach — so have the conversation when you feel it will be most beneficial instead of paying attention to a specific age.

Jill Whitney, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says there is no “right age” to talk to your kids about masturbation. Some toddlers and preschoolers begin touching their genitals at a young age, and when you notice it, you should talk about it right away, she tells SheKnows.

Other kids may be much older. Whitney suggests if you don’t notice your child self-pleasuring, you should talk to them about masturbation as they are nearing puberty. “Before puberty, most kids aren’t masturbating to orgasm,” Whitney says. It simply feels pleasurable to them, and some even do it to soothe themselves.

Those with a penis often start masturbating when they start getting erections and wet dreams. When they reach this point in their life, Whitney explains, it’s important to let them know what’s happening to their body is normal, even if you aren’t sure if they have started masturbating yet. People with vaginas usually discover self-pleasuring on their own and should be taught they have a clitoris that’s designed for sexual pleasure, says Whitney. Let them know where it’s located, “toward the front of the vulva,” and let them know they should look for it at some point.

While they may be surprised by your comment, it’s important to teach them that we as humans are “built for sex to feel good,” Whitney adds. This can also help to address any shame they might feel about masturbating.

As your children get older, it may feel more awkward to talk to them about masturbation. Whitney says there is no need to go into detail about it at this age as long as you are normalizing masturbation. Keep it simple and direct, like: “I know it’s awkward to talk about, but I just want you to know that masturbation is completely healthy and normal.”

It’s OK if your child is embarrassed or has negative reaction to this conversation. “You’ve made the point that self-pleasuring is nothing to be ashamed of,” and that’s the important thing, Whitney says.

Don’t make your child feel wrong for masturbating

Masturbating is something almost everyone does, and there should never be any shame attached to it. With that in mind, it’s not just what you say to your child that’s important — it’s the tone you use when you say it. Whitney says to “be calm, warm and matter-of-fact” when addressing the potentially touchy subject.

Set boundaries

As much as we want to normalize masturbation, parents also have the challenge of explaining that masturbation isn’t something that should be done in public.

It is OK to tell your child there are appropriate places and times to touch their genitals. According to Whitney, a good way to start the conversation is to say something like, “I know it feels nice to touch yourself like that but your penis/vulva is a private part of your body, and touching yourself there is a private activity. So, not in the living room OK? Save it for when you are alone in your bedroom.”

Keep the focus on where it’s happening, not what is happening. This way, your child does not feel wrong about masturbation or that it’s off-limits — you’re simply teaching them there’s a time and place for it and that boundary-setting is a totally healthy part of any dynamic.

Wright mentions the importance of telling your child with a penis that “not all holes are created equal” so they are aware of what is safe and what could be dangerous.

If your child has a vulva, talk to them about what is safe to put near it or in their vagina. (This vagina safety list is for adults, but it’s a good place to start to inform your conversation.) We teach our children the right and safe way to do things, such as how to brush their teeth and eat healthy foods, and masturbation needs to be included in these teachings, Wright says.

What to look out for

If you feel your child is excessively masturbating at home and in public, even after you’ve talked to them about it, Wright says it might be a good time to talk about it. Similarly, she says that if they are masturbating “in conjunction with other symptoms of behavioral or emotional difficulty” or you notice inappropriate sexual talk or activity, you may want to talk to your pediatrician about their behavior.

Consent

Masturbation is also a great gateway to talk about consent with your child, Wright says. You can say things like, “Would you force yourself to masturbate if you didn’t want to?” And then go on to talk about how we never force anyone to do something they don’t want or allow anyone to touch our bodies in a way that makes us uncomfortable. You can then reiterate the fact it is OK to touch your own genitals in private, but not someone else’s.

We know these chats with your kids may not be easy, they are an important part of their sexual development and education and well worth your time and effort.

A version of this story was published August 2018.