Male Sex Toy Stigma: Why Men Deserve Sensuality Too

In a recent article, I touched on how censorship impacts women’s sexual health far more than men’s. But that topic got me thinking: does that mean male sexuality is actually celebrated in our society? Well…no.

To start, let’s look at the words “simp” and “gooner” (there’s a point to this, I swear).

Full disclosure, I don’t spend a whole lot of time online, but it’s my understanding that both these words describe men who seemingly do nothing all day but masturbate, either to porn in general (“gooners”) or to particular women whom they form unreciprocated parasocial relationships with (“simps”).

The main thing is that neither of these words is a positive descriptor. They’re both words to throw around about men who seem socially awkward, if not actual sex predators.

“So, what are the equivalent words for women? There really aren’t any. A quick Google search showed that the female version of a gooner is… “female gooner” (or “goonette”, but have you heard anyone use that term? Me either)”

A woman who’s willing to embarrass herself for her crush is a “pick-me” at worst, but unlike the term “simp”, it doesn’t describe her behavior so much as it describes the way she puts down other women. A straight man who buys front-row VIP seats to see his celebrity crush perform is a simp. A woman who does the same for her favorite male celebrity is just a fangirl.

Not to be a huge downer, but think about the way sexual assault against men (by women especially) is treated in the media. Namely, it’s often played for laughs, mostly because of the assumption that men are always in the mood for sex and that if their penis is being stroked, that’s all they need for a successful, pleasurable sexual experience.

Since we assume that masturbation comes naturally to men, we don’t think of it as an integral part of their self-care routines (as I type this, I realize that maybe we don’t think of men as needing/deserving self-care routines at all, which is a much bigger problem). A woman who talks about masturbation as self-care would be seen as a little “woo-woo” at the very worst.

A man who talks about masturbation as “self-care” would either be seen as a Patrick Bateman type who needs every area of his life to be hyper-controlled, or like he were repressed and trying way too hard to justify masturbating.

Who Owns Sensuality?

Now, these assumptions about male sexuality are where sex toys come into play (pun intended). In her fantastic article for The Atlantic, Lauren Ironmonger (writer by day, Game of Thrones character by night?) points out that while women’s sexuality is characterized (rightly or wrongly) as mysterious, men’s sexuality is seen as being extremely simple.

While this perspective does no favors for either group, it absolutely stigmatizes men who use sex toys.

“If the pervasive cultural idea is that men ‘should’ be able to get turned on and perform immediately, then it might seem strange for a man to want a sex toy that feels good in multiple ways.”

It might even seem effeminate to be interested in toys with nice aesthetics and pleasing textures. But since women are so very complex and dainty, their sex toys are seen as a more normal thing to collect and a more legitimate way of getting pleasure.

But personally, I think men deserve better than the stereotypical dirty gym sock.

A Song of Fleshlights and Sex Dolls

Another reason male sex toys are frowned upon is the fact of what people masturbate to.

Obviously, everyone is different, but stereotypically (and as you can tell, so much of this is based around stereotypes), men masturbate to images, and women masturbate to ideas. So, a man might watch porn while a woman reads a romance novel.

“Because of that, men’s sexuality is seen as more dehumanizing because it’s the mere image of a woman that gets them going, whereas women are entranced with the whole idea of a particular person or situation.”

Since men are stereotyped as dehumanizing women, their sex toys are seen as replacing women.

Let’s be honest here, when most people think of male sex toys, they think of products like those in the image below (Fleshlights and/or sex dolls), which certainly doesn’t do anything to dispel the idea that male masturbation is simply a substitute for penis-in-vagina sex, or that heterosexual male sexuality is entirely about dominating women.

And there is something (to a lot of people) viscerally weird about sex toys that are meant to look realistic. Yes, a lot of women’s toys are meant to mimic phalluses, but oftentimes, the colors are unrealistically vivid and they come with antennae and butterflies on them, not to mention the fact that they vibrate.

Realistic dildos that look exactly like penises are certainly more of a novelty in the world of women’s sex toys. Since women’s arousal is seen as being more complicated, we get the more exciting toys, whereas for so long, men just got…a series of holes.

What Can We Do Instead?

Personally, I think that men should have just as wide an array of beautifully crafted (and beautiful-looking) toys as women do.

And plenty of companies are doing that already! For example, Cute Little Fuckers toys for people of any and all genders that look absolutely adorable. They even have names and personalities.

On the opposite end of the aesthetic spectrum, the Amsterdam-based company Kiiroo designs some amazingly engineered, almost futuristic-looking toys for men.

For example, the Keon is a stroker that offers a realistic stroking motion that can be synced up with their FeelMe AI app to make any and all adult content fully interactive. They also have a FeelConnect app, designed to help long-distance couples (including queer couples, of course), well, feel connected with toys that can sync together.

I think that as more and more companies design thoughtful, beautiful toys for men, the more the male sex toy stigma will diminish.

Becky

Becky V is a Los Angeles native who loves indie bookstores, Broadway musicals, and a good cup of tea. She is passionate about sexual wellness and wants to make the world a better place one orgasm at a time!